Friday, 30 January 2015

Here's To New Adventures


| A sudden realization |

| T-shirt- H&M | Skirt- Bershka | Boots- Topshop | Bracelets- Pandora and Stall in Bali | Watch- Elle | Earings - Mango (MNG) | Backpack/Sling Bag/Handbag - Random Korean stall |

    Its currently 1:30 a.m. on a very early Saturday morning. I don't even feel slightly sleepy. Hello everyone. How are you doing? How's life?
    As usual its been a busy week for me. Projects each week, quizzes here and there and the obvious endless supply of research to do. "So what's next?" will always be the question when it comes to fashion. If its one thing I have learnt this whole month is that people want to talk to you as much as you want to talk to them. And maybe even more. So go out there and just. do. it. Things have been great so far and I felt like I laughed a whole lot this week. Like when Willy, Jeffery and I was at the canteen for breakfast and Willy made a stupid joke. And when we were having this very photo shoot, I kept teasing my friend Crystal because she didn't like people taking pictures of her and I just kept taking pictures of her shouting "Leng Lui ahhh (Pretty girl in mandarin). And when we were in the cab, Gladys and I were singing along to "More than words" very passionately and the taxi driver laughed at us. I couldn't stop laughing hahaha. I guess these are just little things we should hold on everyday. Its just nice to remember and look back on things that make your day that much better.
    I was at the library waiting for my dad to pick me up last Thursday, as usual. I didn't feel like reading anything so I just sat there and took out my phone. And whenever I'm alone I always think. Like really deeply. Thoughts just flooded my mind like a 10000 miles per hour. Its probably not very healthy. Like PANG. I felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. Like I could do so much better. I guess it was when our seniors were sketching and my sketches was shit. It kind of really makes me wake up. I really need to work for what I want. I'm the kind of person that puts a lot of pressure on myself. To always think to do better and try harder. I need to really get my shit together and work really hard.
     One of my new year's resolution is to be more adventurous. I feel like I really have to open my mind and be open to new adventures. Ask more questions, have the confidence to go up and meet new people, go out and learn new things from people and the places you visit, be open to new experiences and engage in conversation. Because who knows what it might bring. Who knows what I might learn or who I will meet. Who knows about the opportunities I might get. The possibilities are endless. 
     I've made so many mistakes in my life. Trust me, I'm far far away from being anything close to perfect. But you know what, every single one of us are that sparkling diamond hidden deep within dirt and stones. And sometimes, other diamonds shine more. And sometimes there are thick dirt blocking our way. There might even be times that we are shinning so bright till someone just comes along and throws a whole lot of dirt on  top of you and cover you entirely. But we have a choice, to stay the way we are, or to shine.
     I honestly don't know where this blog post is going. I'm just jumping from one topic to another. I apologize. My brain is probably in the same condition as well. Well tomorrow my furniture is arriving. My lovely mother had just moved in last Wednesday and things are going pretty well. Going to go furniture shopping this weekend and also to watch "Into the Woods" (epppp!). I know its been out for so long. I'm very outdated.
     Outfit wise, I wore really comfortable clothes, a tight skirt and black t-shirt my grandma bought for me when we went shopping. My oh so trusty Topshop booties and very handy backpack/sling bag/handbag. Yes it does all three with just changing the straps. I found this super handy because I can carry heavy things as a backpack and have my hands free and can also change it to be a casual handbag when I want it to.
     I'm going to checkout now. I'm trying to update consistently. So I'm taking a ton of pictures everywhere I go just for you guys. 2:39 a.m. I'm still not sleepy I swear. Probably going to do my "Psychology of Colour" project. Have a good weekend . Lets start shining. Here's to new adventures (clink glass).

Rachel Khloe Phan

Friday, 23 January 2015

The College Life


| Moving on |

     Greetings humans. I know I have not been posting a post since the 12th of January which is about more than week ago. I've been wanting to post on this blog believe me, but one word will explain it all. College.
     I've had a few failed moments where I had wanted to take some pictures for a post. One of them was when I was walking a 5 minute walk to a place to eat and buy some materials with my friend Willy and Elaine. I remembered to bring my camera along that day and had worn nice clothes to take some pictures. And when Willy was going to take a picture my freaking memory stick wasn't in. I was so mad at myself. Another time was when I'm in class and thought of taking pictures and yeah my lecturer is super strict so no no. And when I'm at home, I just take my camera out after a long day and my freaking battery in my camera is dead. 
     And also most times is because I have assignments to do. Let me tell you. It has only been my 3rd week so far and am so busy already. I currently have a colour wheel to paint, 2 quizzes next week which is about 15% of my final grade, and materials I have to buy for my tie and dye project. One thing you should know about me is that I am workaholic. I won't stop doing something until I am satisfied and happy with it. I cannot sleep or rest if something is not done, or done well. I don't even realize I'm tired or sleepy most of the time because a billion things are still running through my mind. It really is a handful. And I honestly can't complain because I'm having so. much. fun.
     This whole time I'm doing these things I just keep thinking of how much I want to write all this on my blog. And now since I have done most of the things I need to do (for now at least) I have decided to write this (probably long) post. I'm starting to really like my college. You can talk about Dolce & Gabbanna's fall collection and people will talk to you. You can talk about dreaming of having your own brand one day because everyone has the same dream there.Its feels really nice to be in a place where everyone around you believes in the same thing you do.  Because I never had the confidence to tell people when I was in high school about what I wanted to study. I was always afraid of what people would think. Because I've had people tell me that I would be "jobless" after I graduate. And "Your parents are just wasting their money". But you know what, that is not true. I've heard so many people make it as fashion designers and there are lots of job opportunities. The fashion industry is one of the most fastest moving industries in the world. And I wished I had told all those people that they have no right to judge what I can or cannot do. You don't know me and you don't know what I can do. But its okay because I will just show you and prove you wrong. I know it isn't going to be easy. Its going to be hard. Like a pain in the ass. But then again, is anything ever easy? I'm done letting fear stop me from what I want to do.  
    And the best thing is that I'm really happy. I'm really happy doing what I'm doing now. And as much as it is tiring and stressful, I won't ever give it up or change my mind. Not in a second. I've met really keewwl friends. My friend Jeffery, and I will break out into a High School Musical number during workshops. My french lecturer talks to us about his dogs and his life experiences (that are endless). My friend Willy will randomly sing a line from an old song and I will always continue the next line. Willy would always be like "OMG, you know all the old songs I like". And there is Crystal who knows all the cool places to eat in KL (which I am a complete noob at). Kharen and Gladys are Indonesians. They are teaching me how to speak the Indonesian language (which I am failing at miserably). Alicia that always comes early to class and takes the LRT everyday. Elaine who is my senior and known as "The Chinese Princess". Janette that likes people to call her "Egg" with just no reason at all.
    Haha I don't think I can mention everyone because this blog post will go on for days. But yeah everyone seems pretty cool. A few events have made me just really made everything seem more real. Like when I was finishing late for Textiles class with Willy and my lecturer was talking to us. Before he left he told us to "Just switch off the lights and air-conditioner when you leave" and I was just thinking of how they always say that in movies of people in college/uni when they stay back to finish their assignments/projects. Another event is when I'm back in Kajang on a Friday because I don't have classes on Friday. I would always feel so paranoid when I don't go to school (back in high school) on weekdays and people would ask "You didn't go to school today?" but now its like, "I'm in college and I don't have classes today". And when you call your teachers "lecturers" and not "Cikgu (Teacher in Bahasa Malaysia) or teacher". Or even needing to figure out what to wear to school everyday because I'm just so used to wearing uniform everyday.
    Its a big change but I think I have adjusted. I feel more independent now, taking taxi rides, cooking my own meals, washing laundry, making my own decisions. Lecturers even treat you differently and in college a lot of it just really depends on you. Its all just about growing up I guess. My high school days feel like 10 years ago to me. High school just seems so far away. The classrooms, the teachers, the people, the books, the lessons just all seem so long ago. Like I had actually really let go all those years and memories in high school. Its sort of like you do miss it and all those memories and good times but you know that you wouldn't go back because its just time to move on. If that even makes any sense? And it isn't a bad thing. I think I just learned to move on and start a new chapter in my life. And letting go doesn't mean forgetting, it means remembering. Everything is changing and I think I'm getting the hang of it. 
    Wow I just spent an hour and a half writing and editing pictures for this post. Haha you know what they say, "Time flies when your having fun". Anyway, I'm having lots of fun and being busy. Hope you all have a good weekend ahead. I miss blogging. With only a week of not updating hahaha. Going to read everything on, study textiles, fashion history and watch videos on how to do cool tie dies. And maybe watch some gossip girl. If I even have time. Being in this field you need so much knowledge on the trends, the latest fashion shows, even history and artisans, because they just really expect you to know already. So lots to do! Here are some pictures and links to some songs and videos that I feel expressed the past week. STAY BEAUTIFUL AND FABULOUS. Stay strong and smile. Be sure to update real soon :).
My latest project I handed in last Thursday. Weaving project aka Ketupat.
Meet Blair, my new plant! I named it after Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl.

My Jams
Gone, Gone, Gone-Philip Philips
Breaking Free-High School Musical
Masterpeice- Jessy J
Popular- Wicked
Clean- Taylor Swift

Videos that cracked me up
Box Of Lies with Jennifer Lawrence at Jimmy Fallon
"Ew!" with Seth Rogen and Zac Efron at Jimmy Fallon

Rachel Khloe Phan

Monday, 12 January 2015

Settling In

| Personal |

| The new status quo |

        Hey everyone. I just came back from a whole day of classes. I'm just kind of relaxing right now, and playing some nice music. Its only Monday and I already feel exhausted.
      Everything is looking up so far. I think I had to have that emotional day exactly a week ago. If I didn't honestly I would be an emotional wreck now. But things are starting to fall into place and I'm starting to get use to my new daily routine. I said it before and gonna say it again, I'm just really bad at starting again.
     School is already busy, with only just starting with one week of classes. I guess that's what you get for signing up for advanced diploma which is short and quick. Nonetheless I'm actually really enjoying my classes. Like I am really really into the classes. Its not like when I'm in school and I'm just like. Get. To. The. Point. These classes are actually making me do more and more research and staying till after class hours and going everywhere just to get my materials. I listen to 4 hours straight in class which is very unusual for me because I'm just this restless crazy girl. When class ends I would just be like, "What? That was so fast!"
    These are my subject of interest and I'm glad I'm in this field. Its the kind of thing that you wouldn't mind staying up till late at night doing projects, or doing so much work for. Other than the subjects I did make friends (yes such a shocker). We all seem to get along and we went on a few lunches together already. They are all just generally nice people that help each other out in our assignments.
    Over the weekend I went back to my hometown, Kajang which is about an hour drive from where I'm staying. I spent the weekend at my grandparents house. My grandparents the best people to hang out with. My grandmother who use to be an art teacher was helping me find my materials for my upcoming weaving assignment. My grandpa drove us around with no complains.  We went to craft stores and and photo frame shops. She was the best adviser and we saw eye to eye on my vision for my assignment. I remember just wanting to cry (like honestly) happy tears because I honestly am so grateful for my grandparents who are supporting me 110%. Hahaha actually tearing up now. Love you grandpa and grandma.

     Anyway, I'm just quite happy in this moment. I am much better compared to what I was last week, an emotional wreck. I'm good now and I just want to enjoy this period of time before things change.
   I hope that you guys are having a good week. Things got better for me and I'm still hoping for the best. If you guys are having bad days and just wanna cry at any moment. Cry. Don't be afraid to do so, because I did and I did feel much better after. You've just got to drill in your head that things are going to get better. Don't forget to look to the brighter days and look around at all the people who are there for you. Don't you dare say you don't have anyone because you will always have me who feels the same way.
     I feel like calling my mom now. Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Rachel Khloe Phan

Saturday, 10 January 2015

I'll Find My Wings


| An escape or a chance at freedom |

    Wings are like weapons. Its weapons that will decide the better or worse of your life. Its that leap of faith you take before you start something different. Its that law case you take, day after day wishing you were in the kitchen, cooking a storm, holding your very own cookbook with a huge smile on your face. Its when you sit in the girls school bathroom, bawling your eyes out over what someone had said, wishing you had better words to fight. Its sitting in a square boxed office feeling so entirely miserable and tired, but you just somehow keep dreaming of dancing like a graceful ballerina on stage. Its staying up till 3 a.m. in the morning thinking of that same girl you can't out of your head but you just don't have the confidence to go say hello. Its waiting everyday for something special to happen, but staying at home not striving to do anything. Its that feeling of being so sick of being unhappy with life. Its taking that leap of chance you are not sure what it might lead. Its wanting to change and actually be who you want to be...
     Its when you are standing on that ledge, looking down from so high up. You get so scared till your legs start to jiggle. You take a deep breath feeling the cool air inside your lungs. And then you close your eyes and scream "I'M READY" and take that last step. You shut your eyes so tight waiting to feel that rough ground smash your body. But you don't. You open your eyes, and your flying.
    You turn around and there it was. In all its beauty and light, looking as majestic as ever. Those are your wings, you had grown your own. By starting to believe, starting to gain your confidence, starting to take chances in your life. You look back and the world seemed so dark but you look ahead and all you can see is everything in life that you had always wanted to be.
   Because when will we be ever ready. How long are we going to wait? How long will we stand by? Take the chance and go.

Monday, 5 January 2015

First day of college


| A brand new chapter in my life |

| T-shirt- H&M | Jeans- Uniqlo | Shoes- Topshop | Bag- Random korean stall | Bracelet- Street shop in Bali |

         Hey everybody. Its the 6th of January and yesterday I just attended my first day of college. To say I was scared was an understatement. I was so scared I was going to be late, I came an hour early. There wasn't anyone there except this girl that sat on the couch. Then soon her friend came along and I had build up enough courage to go over and say hello. They were really nice people and one of them is actually in his 4th term of advanced diploma in fashion designing! (the course I am in). 
      The day went pretty well. I made new friends and even had my first color collision and textiles class. The class consisted of drawing straight accurate lines and very parallel cubes. The staff there are like incredibly nice and everyone I've met so far seem to be nice as well. The campus only consist of about 400 students and each class has maximum 20 students. Its a really small place but its like the coziest place ever.
     So class ended about an hour early and I needed to wait for my dad to pick me up. All my classmates had already gone home. So I went to the canteen and sat there for about an hour and a half? Until about 5:30 p.m. when the canteen decided to close and the staff shut most of the lights off. I decided to stay there. Just to you know, get comfortable.
     Then it just sort of really hit me slap in the face. I just felt pretty emotional in that moment. Its kind of like you feel so excited and nervous, and just to think that there are so many things coming. To be in a whole different environment with so many different people, and different classes is really overwhelming for me. I'm just kind of an emotional person.
      I guess you could say I was a little homesick as well. It just kind of felt like when I was sitting alone in the cafeteria that if I were back in Kuching, my friends would be with me. And then friends got onto family and then hometown and just everything at once. My mind tends to do that, make me feel more and more emotional then I originally was and the situation gets fired up. I'm kind of like this girl who loves adventure and loves to travel new places and want to go places as far away from my hometown as possible, live by myself, be independent and meet new people but I just kind of forget how much I will miss my family, my friends and hometown. I just kind of get so caught up in things that I forget what I leave behind.
    In time I will be fine. Give me about 2 months and I'll be all good. How could I honestly not expect this from myself knowing how emotional I am. I'm just happy that I have my family with me. I just need to adjust and get use to the environment. When I got home, I read this letter from a bunch of letters my friends gave me. The ones that say "Open when...". And I opened the one where it said "Open when you miss your us (my friends)". I just got completely emotional again. Until I saw this picture.

And then I laughed my ass off. Love them so much.
      Okay for the clothes now haha. I decided to keep it monochrome and go with my RM 30 H&M t-shirt/blouse thing and my trusty Uniqlo jeans. My Topshop boots to give me a little height and paired the whole outfit with this bag that I bought from some random Korean stall in a shopping complex. I wore this butterfly bracelet that is my lucky bracelet. I actually took these photos today while my jeans were still a little damp. I didn't wear any make up today (because honestly too lazy to take off afterwards) as I was at home the whole day, but I did wear some yesterday. I'm sorry for the bad photography. I needed to set my camera on timer because I was alone. I'd usually ask my sister or brother to take pictures for me but they aren't here :(.
     Anyway, if any of you guys are deciding which college/uni you are going to and what course you are taking, think about it long and hard. Remember that this is for your future and not everyone else. If you have no clue at all, just dig harder, look out and think about what you really really want to do. Don't think about the money, your family, you grandparents or your friends. Just think about what you see yourself doing and being happy doing so.
    And for you guys who are starting in college/uni like myself and don't feel like this, there is nothing wrong with you. I'm just a pretty emotional person. But if you do, don't worry you are not alone.

Good days are ahead of us, believe it.

Rachel Khloe Phan

Sunday, 4 January 2015

Its really happening?


|Telling you that I'm nervous is a total understatement|

       Hi. I'm just going to ramble right now. I am trying to distract myself because I am feeling so. freaking. nervous. right. now.
       College starts tomorrow (no I'm not that kind of girl who will be smart enough to count the hours, minutes and seconds to an event). I am watching gossip girl and watching YouTube video's that are just distracting me in the mean time. *breathes in and out*.
       Everyone keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine and okay. I know that honestly but doubts just keep getting the best of me. I'm just going to be like this and listen to Sam Smith and Taylor Swift until this is all over. I have a full day of classes tomorrow from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. with breaks in between. I have fashion marketing and textiles and color collision thing tomorrow. I am super nervous but am excited as well.
      I can literally shake and have butterflies in my tummy right now if I even think about it. I'm just going to send my prayers up to God right now, hoping that everything is going to be okay. That I am going to get through this and that I made the right decision. Because this course is not exactly cheap and for my parents to support me is a total blessing. I just really don't want to disappoint them and let down the people I love. And to want to do this my whole life to finally starting to do it is amazing but a whole lot of pressure. Its just that I'm afraid that this will be the wrong direction that I will be taking in life. To not do well in this is my worst fear. Because then, I have no plans at all. 
       And you know what? I know I can do this, and I know that if I really really put my mind to this I'm going to make it. With confidence and determination that I have been holding for so long now, I can do this. I just have to remember that there are lots of people that I need to prove wrong and keep dreaming because in the end I will succeed. Okay Rachel, put the bad evil, unworthy thoughts of yours aside now. I am going to make it.
      If any of this ramble relates to you guys, I just want you to know that I'm in this fight with you. Please go pursue what makes you happy. Go and start that adventure in your life that will have high highs, low lows and just really good times. Lets fall and freaking get up again. I'm fighting for what I believe in and what will make me happy. Are you with me? 
Listen to "Change" by Taylor Swift. It will give you that extra BOM BOM. Lets go.

Rachel Khloe Phan

Saturday, 3 January 2015

Cloudy With A Chance Of Sunshine


| Up in the air |

| Sweater- H&M | Jacket- Esprit| Jeans- Uniqlo | Shoes- Topshop | Necklace- E-bay |

     The weather today was super cloudy. It felt like it was going to rain really heavily but it didn't. It just kind of drizzled. Everything is so cloudy today. Including my thoughts.
     Its precisely 12:55 a.m. right now and tomorrow, I'm going to start my first day of college. I am expecting so many things to happen. That are probably not going to happen but my mind doesn't sleep. I stayed up till 3:00 a.m. last night because I had a panic attack. I went to watch so many YouTube videos related to college. Like what to wear, essentials, what to expect and all that. I just stayed in my bed staring at the ceiling trying not to freak out over unnecessary things. And then I remembered that I don't have a backpack. Then I started to freak out again.
     There are literally so many things that can happen. I'm so scared but a good scared I think. Like excited and scared meshed together. I'm starting college with no one I know. Cloudy with a chance of sunshine. All these clouded thoughts. Like not meeting any friends, mixing with the wrong people, failing my course and not doing well. Ah, all of this is not good for the mind. So I'm going to hope on the chance of sunshine. The sunshine that will fill my days of college with great friends, fun moments, great scores and excellent results. Everything now is up in the air. It can really go either way, nothing is for certain but I'm really hoping on that sunshine.
      I dress according to my mood yes? I wore this super comfortable sweater that will keep me warm all day and night. I am probably going to use this sweater so much until it stretches so much. My favorite pair of jeans, usual botties for covering my feet when I'm stepping in puddles of water and of course my jacket. I feel like everything just really goes well together and just super comfy and warm.
     Fingers crossed. I'm going to be fine. And if that sunshine comes, I am in no way missing the chance of grabbing it.

Rachel Khloe Phan

Thursday, 1 January 2015

Happy New Year!!!



               | My awesome shoes which have nothing to do with the New Years|

     HAPPY NEW YEAAAR EVERYBODY!!! Its a brand new year to look forward to! Oh my gosh.. 2015 has been like an emotional roller coaster. There were super high highs, super low lows, and some just really neutral. I can't believe what a year it has been.
     I can go on forever about explaining this year. I'll just conclude that letting go isn't easy. Its like you put so much effort, love and time into something you had hanged on for so long and then all of the sudden you are forced to let it go. And most times, you've got to let go and move on, even if you are not ready.
      I've also learnt this year that if you believe in something go for it. Don't listen to what anyone else says because these choices decide in the end if you are going to be happy or not. Do what you believe in and makes you happy. Start believing in yourself and gain the confidence to do it. You won't regret it. It may be tough in the start but in the end, it will all be worth it.
      I've also learnt that it is okay to be sad. Its okay to be angry and sad about something that brought you down. You may have billions of dollars, an awesome family, a house. You are allowed to be sad about something you feel sad about. You are also allowed to feel angry, frustrated, terrified, emotional. I know I've felt this way before. I was sad and angry but I felt wrong about it. I was like "Why should I even feel this way when I should be so grateful about the things around me?". We are all humans and we are allowed to feel and be emotional. But you have to promise yourself one thing, that you will get back up on your feet again and be strong. The world isn't a bad place if you think that its not.
       Besides the down, I am so grateful for the high ups. I am surrounded by people who love me. Sometimes in this world we feel alone and lonely but you've got to look around. There are billions of people around who feel the same way. I am so blessed to have a group of friends who fill my days with happiness and love. I am so blessed to have a family who is willing to love me, support me and sacrifice so much for me. I am so blessed to be okay. To have a home, to have friends, to have a loving family, to live. As quoted from my favorite show "Red Band Society", "We may all die alone, but we don't live alone"
      New Years is like an excuse for us to start again. And there is nothing wrong with it. With having New Years resolutions and goals. Lets just try and achieve some of them this year yes?
I'll let you in on some of mine.
1. Make smarter choices.
2. Have a wider perspective of the world.
3. Get healthy and fit.
      Stereotypical I know. Especially no.3. Haha. Anyway, HAPPY FREAKIN NEW YEARS! Lets look forward to 2015. Great things are coming, I know it.

Rachel Khloe Phan